Alexa Daskalakis

The Printer Resignation​

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To Whom It May Concern,

 

Effective immediately, I am severing all emotional, professional, and metaphysical ties with the printer.

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This is not a rash decision.

 

I have waited.

 

I have begged.

 

I have whispered, “Please, just this once.”

 

The printer has ignored all reasonable requests for functionality.

 

It remains unmoved by logic, deadlines, or my trembling voice.

 

Let the record show:

 

• I did connect to Wi-Fi.

 

• I did install the drivers.

 

• I did not invent the paper jam.

 

• There is paper.

 

• There has always been paper.

 

Last Tuesday, it said:

 

“Out of Cyan.”

 

I was printing in black and white.

 

Cyan was not invited.

 

Cyan was not needed.

 

Cyan inserted itself into the conversation.

 

Despite repeated demands to “Load Paper in Tray 1,”

 

Tray 1 is full.

 

Tray 1 is doing its best.

 

Tray 1 is not the problem.

 

I have turned it off.

 

I have turned it on.

 

I have unplugged it, replugged it, whispered threats, and offered praise.

 

Once, I called it buddy.

 

It printed one page.

 

Upside down.

 

In Wingdings.

 

This is not a machine.

 

This is psychological warfare.

 

⸻

 

Effective today, I will be:

 

• Handwriting all documents

 

• Mailing correspondence via carrier pigeon

 

• Scribbling messages on napkins and taping them to local utility poles like it’s 1996

 

Should the printer wish to apologize,

 

it may do so in Arial, 12 pt, single-spaced,

 

with a sincere tone and no passive aggression.

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Otherwise, it will be dealt with accordingly.

 

Not as a threat.

 

As a return to sender.

 

Sincerely,

 

A Person Who Tried

 

P.S. If the scanner gets involved, I walk.